Having spent a half a dozen years living alone after my divorce, I have come to terms with the difference between being alone and being lonely. Although they can be related, they are not the same. We cannot control or change the factors that led to us being alone, but we don’t have to choose feeling lonely when people are not around.
This is an important distinction to make if you want to live a fulfilling life, even when you find yourself alone. Being alone is a physical condition, while feeling lonely is an emotional reaction.
We can see this difference in how the dictionary defines these terms. The dictionary says that alone is,
“With no one or anything else; not involving or including anyone or anything else; separate from other people or things; without people you know or that usually accompany you.”
It defines lonely as;
“Feeling unhappy because of being separated from other people; sad because one has no friends or company.”
Alone versus lonely
Although being alone may have resulted from choices and/or unexpected events, there is little you can do about them, for you cannot force others to be with you. For instance, you may be alone because you lost a partner or spouse, or because your youngest child moved out of the house. You can feel isolated when you first move to a different city or start a new career.
Lonely is a choice to be miserable. It is the decision to see the glass as half empty. It is a choice to live as a victim of your circumstances. Our culture can enable us to adopt these feelings because it labels those who are alone as isolated, lonesome, friendless, rejected, unloved, unwanted, outcast, forsaken, abandoned or lacking someone to turn to for help.
This is false.
Stop hosting self pity parties
In my latest book, Catch and Release: One Man’s Improbable Search for True Love and the Meaning of Life, I write about how I chose to feel sorry for myself right after my divorce.
This was comfortable for a while until I realized that choosing to stay sad and lonely was draining me of the energy needed to step out and rejoin the world. I had reached a critical fork on my life’s path and was being confronted with a choice; continue on the road of the helpless victim or chose the path of the courageous adventurer.
At first, I did not want to make this decision; I felt justified in my position that the people I trusted and loved had betrayed and victimized me. I could argue, even today, that my conclusion of betrayal has a lot of merit, but choosing the role of victim was a waste of time and effort. The fact remained that I still had to deal with being alone. Unwittingly retired and relocated to a place where I knew no one, I decided the acting the victim was only going to make that adjustment harder.
Progress finally came when I recognized that sulking and self-pity had only isolated me further. I had to reengage in life or be mired in defeatism for years. I chose life.
Selecting the more constructive path allowed me to make a simple but important discovery. With all the traditions and roles of my old life gone, I was free to follow my heart’s desires. Like the phoenix, the long-lived bird in Greek Mythology, I could create a new life from the ashes of my old one.
Create a life where you feel loved and supported
You can do this, but you must make changes. A new life will not come around the corner and bite you in the ass, you will have to do some work. The best way to overcome loneliness is by connecting with others. Here are some things that helped me.
1) Get out and make new friends.
The best place to start is by following your own interests. For example, I enjoy playing tennis and working out, so I joined a tennis club and a gym. There are other ways. Join a church, take dancing or cooking lessons, etc.
2) Become the friend to others like the one you want to have.
It was great to engage in social activities, but that was not enough. I also had to change the way I viewed having friends. This would not be easy, for I had lost my ability to make friends. I had allowed all my external relationships to become transactional business affairs. In my new place, not only had I little to offer in terms of business value, I didn’t want those kinds of friendships anymore. Now, I wanted close friends, people who would be there for me come rain or shine. Friends that were accepting and proud of the person I had become, and I of them. I wanted to be a part of a network of people whose love for me was certain and mine for them.
The best way to learn about people is to talk less about yourself and listen more. This meant I had to become more open and less distrustful of people and reach out to them with genuine interest and concern. I also had to present my true self and not the exaggerated caricature I had shown to others in the past. As I got to know new people, I treated them as if they were the world’s most interesting individuals. I also showed them the qualities I wanted from good friends.
Not surprisingly, good friends materialized as a result.
3) Say yes to all invitations
New connections will not show up at your front door. I had to stop sulking about what might have been, get off my butt and venture out into the world. The best way to rise when feelings of loneliness knock you down is to say yes to all possibilities.
I said yes to all invitations that came my way, even when that meant playing cards in the middle of the day, something I abhor doing. To my unexpected delight, my effort soon opened the door to meeting Steve, a person who has become like a brother to me. Saying yes to all invitations has allowed me to meet many great people. I also tapped into new interests I didn’t know I had.
4) Start new activities or reconnect with old habits that involve other people.
One of the best times to start a new hobby or recommit to an old one is when you are alone. Tennis and weightlifting were my primary activities, but I also joined a group that went paddle boarding and free diving, both are water activities I had never done before. I must admit, I am never thrilled about the possibilities of sharks near me in the water, but even overcoming that fear has become an exciting thing to learn. When I see one, of course, I sit down on my paddle board to reduce the chances of falling in the water.
There are many other activities you can do, like joining a running or biking group, take a night class, join a board or organize a book club. I prefer exercise related activities because working out fills me with endorphins which gift me with positive feelings about myself. Physical activities will reward you in the same way.
5) Develop a spiritual practice.
Combating loneliness takes mind, spirit and body. Exercise, diet and cultural activities are all great, but you also need to feed and refresh your spirit. This is especially true if a life transition is battering you. When in the middle of my troubles, I took up meditation and joined a group of meditators. This has filled my life with patience and serenity. There are myriad forms of meditation and contemplation you can learn. If you are more traditional, join a church. If that is too much, take yoga classes.
6) Read.
Sometimes I feel down and need inspiration. Reading stories about people who overcame great odds or lived through glorious adventures is always helpful. I also get a lot from books of great masters like Wayne Dyer, Gary Zukav, and Deepak Chopra. The effects of reading are not at all like the stupor you get from binge watching television. Reading is a much more personal experience. This was best said by Francesco Petrarca, commonly anglicized as Petrarch, who was a scholar and poet of the Renaissance and one of the earliest humanists,
“Books give delight to the very marrow of one’s bones. They speak to us, consult with us and join with us in a living and intense intimacy.”
Conclusion
When you are alone, you can choose from two paths, the trail of the victim or the way of the explorer. It is up to you. Choose the latter, and you will create a new life that is far better than languishing about the loss of your old one.
Photo by Shaurya Sagar on Unsplash
